Top 10

1446

It’s been pointed out to me that perhaps, since I have a blog, that I should maybe blog? Or even get around to posting the winner of last month’s pet caption photo?

Since the title of this blog has already established the fact that I am responsibly dodging responsibility I’d like to at least point out that this is not my fault. It’s entirely the fault of my friend Sheila. Please feel free to shame her mercilessly in the comment section.

It’s really all very simple if you just follow along…

1. Get tricked by Sheila into signing up for a 200 mile bike ride along the California coast.
2. Decide I should probably see if I can remember how to ride a bike.
3. Develop a fabulous plan to train for the ride.
4. Fail miserably to follow through.
5. Decide that the only possible solution is to begin teaching spinning classes so that I have to show up.
6. Study up and get certified to teach spinning.
7. Come to the realization that I would be so much happier if I simply went back to being a full time Personal Trainer again instead of continuing my career in corporate America.
8. Decide that even though I already hold perfectly adequate group ex and personal training certifications that I would really rather have a much more prestigious one.
9. Spend a gazillion dollars to get all of the materials and books to study for said certification.
10. Receive books and realize that OMG this is a lot of material to cover if I’m to pass the test.
11. Come to the understanding that it might require a bit of time before I can take the test, but then panic because my adorable pink spreadsheet starts having too many zeroes…and I don’t mean at the end of the number.
12. Dedicate time to applying for part-time positions that could tide me over until I get the new certification and can confidently charge more for training than I currently do .
13. Land a fabulous part-time spot at a real estate company as a Marketing Manager.
14. Begin job and work a whole heck of a lot more than expected so that I can learn everything I need to know to be successful.
15. Wake up to today, my first full day off (no classes to teach at the gym, no real estate work, no training clients) that will allow me to truly study.
16. Prepare to study:

a. Set up table with all of my books
b. Realize table is a tad dusty
c. Stomp upstairs for polish and a cloth
d. Rearrange cleaners in alphabetical order
e. Clean the kitchen as long as I’m already in it
f. Carry dirty rags to the laundry pile
g. Sort laundry and straighten up closet
h. Start a load of laundry
i. Clean the laundry room
j. Grab broom from garage, and notice 2 items that belong in storage
k. Carry items to storage room downstairs
l. Clean the entire lower level
m. Recognize that no studying has been accomplished
n. Sit down to study and realize I didn’t actually dust the table
o. Stomp back upstairs for polish, notice broom in the laundry room
p. Clean the main level floors
q. Notice that dryer has stopped when putting away the broom
r. Put away laundry
s. Carry towels upstairs to the linen closet and end up cleaning entire upper level
t. End up in shoe room – try every pair on, rearrange by color, make a mental list of colors you could use more of
u See one adorable pair of shoes that haven’t been worn in ages
v. Carry them downstairs to peruse closet for something to wear them with
w. Try on every outfit you own
x. Stomp downstairs in a flurry of frustration and work out so that the gray skirt that matches the adorable shoes will fit better
y. Shower
z. Carry shoes back upstairs to their room
aa. Try all shoes on again just for fun – I mean you’ve earned it after all this cleaning
bb. Remember need to study…head down from the shoe room and see sad and forlorn puppies who have missed you terribly all week
cc. Commence cuddle session
dd. Take puppies on a walk
ee. Throw away poop bag from walk and remember that you should probably clean up the poop in the dog run too. Do so.
ff. Wash hands thoroughly and notice polish/rag on the counter
gg. Head downstairs, dust the table, commence studying
hh. Within 2 minutes realize you need to look something up on the computer specific to the physiology chapter you’ve begun
ii. Check email
jj. Get reminder from Matteo that you have a blog and should maybe ACTUALLY WRITE A BLOG
kk. Sit down to write a blog and realize that it’s ALL Sheila’s fault.

17. Console self with the fact that at least you were responsible while being irresponsible. Post blog and head off for well deserved nap – I mean just so that I’m well rested for studying and all…

2517

Ever have one of those days where you wake up and just smile with joy at the fact that morning has arrived because YOU are fabulous and this day is YOURS and you just know that nothing could possibly go wrong and you are oh so beautiful and put together? 

Yeah, me neither.

But apparently I have managed to give off a vibe of perfect happiness because I received a message asking me why I am SO HAPPY ALL OF THE TIME.

After I finished laughing and shouting, “Because it’s Facebook!” at my computer, I decided I’d try to explain.

Let’s start with a completely made-up, fully fictitious, pretend type problem that may or may not happen in someone’s life. Like maybe you had a $40 dollar gift card for DSW that you’ve been holding on to and just as you go to use it you notice it’s expired. Or maybe you haven’t closed as many deals as you would have liked and another one just fell through. Or maybe you were looking at your budget and any chance of something new and cute and summery and strapless is now gone because you’ve been informed that your car needs new brakes. Or maybe all of those things happened on the exact same day and your husband is out of town and therefore unable to fully appreciate all of the different pout variations that you have perfected.

Well. This is certainly not happy making. So now what do you do? Post your woe and misery on Facebook? Would that really help? No. Obviously the correct answer is to make a list. So here you go:

How to be SO HAPPY ALL OF THE TIME
ByWendyKaySmithTorkelsonThe1st

1. Determine if you are in fact truly defeated. Can the situation be brushed off with a cookie or are we in full-on cake inhalation mode? If it’s the former, carry on with the cookie and perhaps a combination of pout variations #4 and #9. If it’s the latter, or if you are out of cookies at this extremely difficult moment, you should admit defeat and continue on to step 2.

2. Now that the situation has been properly categorized as cake worthy, it’s time to decide what to do about it. You can’t just crawl under the covers every time your extremely cute (and pink) excel spreadsheet calculates that it must be retitled to “Budget of Despair” instead of “Budget.” And to add insult to injury, you’re no longer in your 20s so eating the entire cake isn’t an option anyways. Go ahead and test out a stream of bad words (unless that just makes people laugh at you because you never actually swear so they just think it’s cute). Better? No? Moving on.

3. Consult the Supreme Scale of Suckage. In the grand scheme of things, is your current problem Amazingly Wretchedly Full Up Loathsome (AWFUL)? Or, bless your sweet soul, is it Super Outrageously Beastly & Atrociously Difficult (SO BAD)? Well, then you are surely entitled to your misery. But wait…

4. So many people out there are truly suffering. Isn’t it selfish to be so upset over this pretend problem (that may or may not have also included a broken nail, a puppy potty incident and a burnt dinner)?

5. Allow yourself to test out those swear words again. As if this fictitious day wasn’t bad enough, now you’re dealing with guilt too. Golly.

6. Give in to tears. In fact, give in to tears and pillow punching. The world is being mean to you and you deserve a good cry.

7. Decide that you feel a bit better, and head off to check the damage in the mirror. Collapse into a complete ball of defeat again. Now you’re miserable, AWFUL, SO BAD and look like a total train wreck.

8. Suddenly realize that you are in fact completely justified in being upset. It is, in fact, okay to not be SO HAPPY ALL OF THE TIME.

9. Recognize that you have just landed an ENORMOUS victory. YOU have determined that you are allowed to be upset. You win! Obviously, this completely trumps your earlier defeat!

10. Stomp off all victorious and have a really great super happy day. After all, it might even annoy someone on Facebook, and that’s kinda happy making too.

883

My earliest memory of church is all the proof I need to know that I’m not very good at churching – it was sneaking across Hwy 7 during the service with a friend (here’s looking at you Tiff) to go to McDonald’s instead of going to Sunday school. Combine that with being told that “A pregnant girl walking through confirmation would just be too awkward,” and you might not be surprised to know that I just stayed away.

I thought about going back many times over the years but I was always left with the same thought, “It’d be too awkward.”

Today? Today I make a poor lil church in Colorado put up with me. Today I embrace my awkwardness. After all, it’s part of why some of you read my posts, right? And so without further adieu, having spent the last 2 years back in church, I give to you: My top 10 awkward churchings (and yes I’ve decided that’s a word):

1. After a failed search for some verse we were supposed to be reading in the book of Acts I piped up, “My bible doesn’t have that book.” My husband just shook his head.

2. After singing some weird hymn about Jacob and climbing his ladder I emailed the pastor: “Who the heck is Jacob and why are we climbing his ladder?” He actually answered me.

3. I attend another gathering where we sometimes close with the Lord’s Prayer followed by, “Keep coming back! It works if you work it!” Out of habit I shouted this after the Lord’s Prayer while at church. I got some interesting looks.

4. I still prefer to start that prayer using my daughter’s version, “Our father, who does art in heaven…”

5. Our church has normal Sunday services but they also offer a Tuesday night service where the sermon is presented in a discussion format and we all get to share our thoughts. That’s the one we attend. I’ve gotten very good at just squirming a bit and biting my tongue, but sometimes questions accidentally sneak out. It turns out the Holy Ghost is not referring to Jesus being haunted.

6. I was asked by an acquaintance that attends a different church if my church had admonished me for my past. With a straight face I responded, “Why no! There are lots of us there who became grandmothers before our first marriage.” She just said, “Oh!” nodded a bit, and walked away quickly.

7. We typically light candles at the end of the service and state our prayer requests. I often light an extra one without saying what it’s for. It’s for my animals. That’s normal, right?

8. We recently read about some biblical dudes who lived to be 900 and some odd years. So far I have resisted the temptation to ask how that was possible and if they had Botox back then or just looked hideous.

9. Last week during the children’s portion of the sermon, our pastor was discussing beliefs. He asked the littles what belief was and then he asked his own daughter if there’s anything she believes in. She responded, “Sparkly barrettes!” Suddenly I understood why he puts up with me.

10. It was communion day. I had no idea what to do so I just followed everyone else. When I get nervous my mouth gets dry and as a result the bread had trouble going down. Suddenly a horrific thought came to my mind: “I have Jesus stuck in my teeth.” Are you allowed to have thoughts like that in a church?

Lightening has yet to strike. So I keep going back. Maybe you should too.

567

A dear friend had a post this morning about confession being good for the soul. Well okay.

1. I roll my eyes when people post what color their aura is or what kind of car they are- but then by the end of the day I take the quiz too. How can I go on if I don’t know what kind of car I am?

2. I just had a Super Important and Ever So Professional conference call this morning while sitting on my couch in my jammies.

3. All 5 of our pets have their own unique voices – performed by me. This may explain why I didn’t marry until my 40s…

4. People think I’m some sort of super active exercise freak, but the truth is that I only teach because it means I HAVE to go to the gym. The 200 mile bike ride I’m committed to going on? That’s still an accident.

5. Some folks are freaked out about the Mountain Lions seen across town these last few weeks but I’ve already named them.

6. I despise Candy Crush. I’m gonna prove it by destroying this next level.

7. I praise my husband if he unloads the dishwasher, but then I am compelled to open every cupboard and make sure everything is Where It Belongs.

8. In my super secret imaginary life I have eleventy-seven pets and I make my living as a writer. Oh, and cupcakes lead to weight loss.

9. It’s common knowledge that I can’t keep plants alive, but I once killed a fake fern by catching it in the vacuum. That’s talent.

10. They say the best defense against naughty food is to get it out of the house. I typically accomplish this by eating it all at once.

1178


1. What is this kitchen room used for again?

2. Remember the weight I lost before we left? Don’t panic! I found it in Hawaii.

3. Homeland security managed to miss the little gecko hiding in our suitcase. Home security (AKA the cats) located it right away. RIP lil guy.

4. “Look at me, I’m covered in sand!” has now been replaced with, “Look at me, I’m covered in dog hair!”

5. Regarding #4 above: this was said to my animals. My husband has abandoned me for the office.

6. Who are all these people emailing me and wanting me to do work stuff?

7. Tuesday mornings on vacation: coffee while admiring the ocean. Tuesday mornings at home: coffee followed by a 20 minute mission to pry up all of the frozen poop from the dog run. It’s a glamorous life folks.

8. My most difficult decision the last couple weeks was choosing which of my 3 bikinis to wear for the day. Now I have to pick out entire outfits. And match and such.

9. Turns out this house does NOT have room service. I dialed 8 and nothing happened.

10. Whales and sea turtles have been replaced with dogs and cats. And as it happens, I’m perfectly fine with that. It was an amazing trip, but I’m happy to be home  :)

562

While frolicking in the Hawaiian sun, one is advised to be sure to wear sunscreen. A waterproof 35 is an impenetrable force. Be further advised, however, that there is a big difference between a 35 and a 30. I have done this research for you. You’re welcome. And when every move causes one to squeak in pain, it can become necessary to look on the bright side of life. 

1. There is no longer any concern that a flash of my ever so white skin will cause ships to come into shore at the wrong place.

2. I can now walk naked down the streets! People will just think I have a bright white bikini on.

3. There is zero chance we’ll be on a beach today. Wendy = 1! Sharks = 0!

4. Freckles. I look forward to a rigorous game of connect the dots with the husband once I allow him to come within 10 feet of me again.

5. I still have enough vacation time to recover, peel and burn again!

536


1. Hawaiian birds are very happy little creatures. Like 5:00 am happy.

2. 6:00 am coughing fits do not wake up Shawns. “Accidentally” dropping things (like the remote, your sunglasses, a book) doesn’t work either. 

3. The greatest of hair straightening efforts can be undone in .5 seconds. 

4. Slamming a coconut onto the patio to get it to open may cause the coconut to bounce. And hit your knee. And maybe howl a bit. Which does indeed wake up a Shawn.

5. A 43 year old woman can easily transform into a bouncy little girl at the thought of playing at the beach. Have a good day my friends 

539

So you may have heard that it’s Valentines Day. And while it may be a holiday driven by commercialized guilt, I still wanted to do something special, you know? But things don’t always come together quite as planned for me. You may have caught on to that. So without further adieu, I give to you: The top 10 things that have gone wrong today.

1. Pinterest tells you that you can have soft, sexy feet if you just soak them in listerine, warm water and vinegar. My result? My feet are now stained blue.

2. Online forums say that if you drench your locks in coconut oil you will have gorgeous, healthy and tangle free hair. My result? Sticky strands of limp tresses and an appearance of having not washed my hair in a week.

3. Greet him in lingerie without a full wax job? Certainly not! But it certainly wasn’t my intention to greet him in lingerie with a bunch of missing skin.

4. With just 6 simple steps you can have sultry smokey eyes that will leave him stunned. Or you could stun him by looking like a raccoon.

5. Greasy hair? (see # 2 above) Simply pile your locks high on your head with a mere handful of bobbypins. Or you could look like Marge Simpson, which incidentally, goes very well with the blue feet.

6. There’s an online video that goes into some detail as to how you can talk dirty to your man to turn up the heat. But every time I practice the (in)appropriate sentences I collapse into a fit of giggles that I assure you is not remotely sexy.

7. Let’s just say that I must not have gotten all of the wax off. This lingerie may never come off.

8. Just because the pan you use to bake the cake is heart shaped doesn’t mean that the result will be.

9. The scarf I meant to have finished knitting by today will instead be presented as a very colorful but also super warm shoestring.

10. Happy Valentine’s Day Shawn! Takeout and House of Cards while wearing super sexy sweatpants and socks it is!

572

Step 1. Denial 
Step 2. Stand at various points of the house without moving
Step 3. Finally find the fire alarm that’s beeping
Step 4. Realize you found the wrong one
Step 5. Find the right one 40 minutes later
Step 6. Destroy wall trying to remove it
Step 7. Threaten and cuss at inanimate beeping object
Step 8. Google how to open the battery case
Step 9. Whip device across the garage floor (hey, an online review said it worked)
Step 10. Replace batteries and attempt to put it back on wall
Step 11. Decide it would look perfectly lovely on the table instead
Step 12. Sob in defeat as it begins to beep again