Top 10

464


1. Learn to say “no!” when people ask me to sign up for a 200 mile bike ride.
2. Teach my hips to lie.
3. Figure out the timer on my oven rather than relying on the smoke detector.
4. Convince my husband that 5 animals are NOT enough.
5. Get back to my original birth weight.
6. Watch more cat videos.
7. Oh no. You don’t get to know this one 
8. Buy an island. Name it Nomanisan.
9. Implement next phase of operation, “Move Minnesota to Colorado.”
10. Help people find the funny in life.

Thank you all for making 2013 a beautiful experience. I wish you laughter and love for 2014!

498

After weeks of scrambling to get the website designed, the paperwork filed and the press releases released to thousands of contacts, one would expect the first official day of work to be ever so busy and chaotic. One would be correct. This is just a brief look into what I’ve had to endure today…

1. Adjust height and tilt on new office chair. Commence spinning to ensure chair is accurately balanced.

2. Conduct meticulous search for proper Board of Directors. Appoint nearest canines, and arrange for an elaborate ceremony. Speak all parts for all parties involved.

3. Rearrange pens by size and color. Move every office supply to a different drawer. Test self out loud on where everything is located.

4. Admire website, and then double check that the cell phone is still on. Surely the calls should be rolling in by now.

5. Briefly toy with the idea of a company theme song. One that could double as a musical score for a scene where Johnny Depp is cruising down the road on his motorcycle.

6. Portion out the correct number of Reduced Fat Wheat Thins for a healthy afternoon snack (16 for those of you dying to know). Redefine “afternoon” as 8:30 in the morning.

7. Click over to monitor website traffic while humming the James Bond theme song. Immediately forget the tune to the theme song being created earlier.

8. Accept a call from a vendor. Act terribly busy and annoyed at the interruption. Say, “Yep!” and “You Betcha!” repeatedly as they go through their spiel. Schedule a call for later in the week.

9. Practice own sales pitch in front of your new board members. Reward their reactions with Beggin Strips or peanut crunchies.

10. Draft Small Business of America award acceptance speech for the eventual nomination and win.

505


1. I don’t think those are supposed to look like that.

2. Whomever said, “It’s a fool proof recipe!” hasn’t met me.

3. What exactly is wrong with lumps?

4. Mashed potato recipes should come with a warning, “Do not do an arm workout prior to making these.”

5. It’s a Turkey. Shouldn’t the cats be interested? Or at least in the kitchen every so often?

6. I sure hope people eat before they come over.

7. Are cornmeal and cornstarch the same thing? No?

8. Pizza for everyone!

9. Well now I know why people pray before sitting down to eat.

10. Betcha we get invited to someone else’s place and that when they invite us they say, “Nonsense! I don’t need you to make a thing!”

HAPPY THANKSGIVING MY FABULOUS FRIENDS!

504


1. Iowa welcomes you with the slogan, “Fields of Opportunities!” This is trickery. I assure you that I only saw corn.

2. Truckers can ALWAYS make you feel pretty.

3. Rest stops would be much more restful if I wasn’t convinced that every single one has a serial killer lurking about.

4. The Git-N-Split in Nebraska declares that they, “Proudly brew Folgers!” Clearly their owner doesn’t drink coffee.

5. If you are of the canine persuasion, it is imperative that you reserve barking for when your person gets on the phone or attempts to order at the drive thru.

6. Road trip day 1 = oatmeal, protein bars, water, carrots. Road trip day 2 = McDonalds, Pringles, Red Bull, Cheezits, KitKats…

7. I simply adore eavesdropping on elderly men at small town gas stations where they tend to gather for coffee. “Why, I told her to punch it, and durned if Delores didn’t speed all the way up to 65.”

8. The account rep for the orange cone company must have been able to retire after selling to Nebraska.

9. Gas prices are ever so reasonable…until you have to stop for gas.

10. Small town in need of a hook? Just come up with a sign about John Wayne. Birthplace of… Childhood home of… One time rest stop of… I do believe I’ve passed them all.

486
1. Oh sure, that bright blue sky looks peaceful now, but I sense a wicked electrical storm behind that lil white puff of a cloud over there.
2. Honey you don’t look so good. Have you ever had measles?

3. OH EM GEE. I think I left the light on in the bathroom. Turn around.

4. I didn’t tell the dog sitter that she couldn’t eat all of your candy.

5. Just because I already have an urn doesn’t mean I’m ready to die. I still haven’t listed out the musical selections for my final party. And the cupcakes! OMG I didn’t select the frosting!

6. I sense that I’ve just landed an enormous contract for work. If we don’t head home now I will surely lose it to whichever competitor you hate most right now.

7. You do realize this will mean you have to go to the ballet, yes?

8. Did you know they don’t sell Mountain Dew on this side of the state?

9. *half lidded eyes* Hey baby. You know what might be a ride you’ll enjoy more?

10. Tears. Lots and lots of tears.

548

1. I balanced my checkbook this morning, and I will have you know that it was NOT any easier.

2. For some reason, people have not started taking me more seriously.

3. You realize how much you shed when your hair is no longer blonde.

4. It is endlessly entertaining to squeal, “Omigosh, you noticed! I’m wearing a new shade of lipstick!” when people say, “Hey, you look different!”

5. It has come to my attention that I will need quite a few new pairs of shoes…to match my new hair.

6. Our dogs and cats still recognize me.

7. My husband still recognizes me too. Either that, or he is playing along quite well.

8. I on the other hand, am still a bit surprised each morning when I look in the mirror.

9. Sadly, I still burn in the sun.

10. You will be shocked to learn that I am in fact having just as much fun

443


1. Thou shalt drive a Suburu. If the dealership is out, you may substitute a Jeep.

2. “Huh. Looks like weather!” means that there is one single, solitary, lonely puff of a cloud surrounded by blue skies.

3. “What do you mean you’ve never shot a gun?”

4. All directions begin with either, “You drive up the Pass and then…” or “You drive down the Pass and then…” (pesky mountains in the way)

5. Wearing anything besides jeans will result in someone saying, “Look at you all dressed up!”

6. “Where are you from?” is not in reference to your current town. They literally want to know where you’re from. No one is actually from Colorado.

7. The amount of time you’ve lived here is referenced by fire, not by date. “Oh we moved out a coupla years after the Hayman fire.” Or in our case, “We moved to Colorado the year before the Waldo Canyon fire.”

8. If you’re “going away for the weeked,” it means somewhere in CO. Why would you leave? Otherwise you should say, “Going out of state” and have a darn good reason for it.

9. Forget Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter. It’s Whitewater rafting season, Biking season, Backpacking season and Skiing season.

10. You will fall in love with it and wonder why it took you so long to get here.

493


1. Shouting “OMG! What was that?!” when I hear something in the middle of the night is much less dramatic or fun when he isn’t there to wake up from a dead sleep.

2. I’m much more likely to eat cake for dinner.

3. He. Is. Adorable. Besides, we’ve only been together for a little over 7 years. I’m not ready for him to be gone for two entire weeks yet.

4. I have a friend coming to stay for the weekend so I had to make the guest room bed. BY MYSELF.

5. He’s my favorite entertainment.

6. I kinda like fighting over the remote.

7. I’m too much of a lady to explain this one. 

8. The puppies aren’t as good at advising me when I ask, “Do these shoes match this outfit? What about these? Or these?

9. He’s awesome at making snarky comments when we watch reality TV. It’s not even fun to watch when he’s gone.

10. I had to put a shoe on the end of a broom stick so that I could smash a spider. It’s much easier to just shout, “SHAWN!”

Dear Wendy,

I came across your blog last week by accident. You crack me up. I swear I can picture you in all these situations even though I don’t really know what you look like. I hate it that there are so many days between blog entries for you because that means less to read for me. Can’t you just write your daily stuff too? You know, just live out loud? Maybe even just start with 100 random facts or something to get you writing again.

-anonymous blog person

1. I prefer to write blogs that make people laugh
2. I have an uncanny knack for getting into situations that can accommodate such blogs
3. Sometimes I lose my funny
4. No one really knows me
5. No one has ever asked me to live out loud before
6. My favorite blog material just came back to town last night unannounced but he didn’t bring the funny…

Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzcracklecrackle

7. I need to get my doorbell fixed

“Cupcake! Say you missed me! Oh my God it’s cold out here get out of the way I’m coming in. Michael and I just landed an hour ago and I came straight here ohmygodImissedyou show the love!” screamed Jade as he stormed into my house and lifted me right off the floor and spun me around.

Jade has been gone since the end of October. His boyfriend Michael is a big important computer something or other guy who owns a computer something or other that has branches out East as well. During his time away he also visited Cabo and Jamaica and France.

8. I have never been to any of these places
9. I don’t have the right shoes yet to be able to go
10. I don’t actually have any idea where Cabo is

After multiple hugs and laughter and it’ssogoodtoseeyou’s we made our way to the kitchen. I babbled on about all sorts of new stuff that has been going on since Jade left.

11. I am dating someone
12. My someone doesn’t like labels or definitions (such as boyfriend, couple, etc.)
13. He would not want me to write about him so hereafter I shall refer to him as He Who Shall Not Be Named (HWSNBN)
14. He’s much younger than me (I’m just saying)
15. By 9 years (go me!)

As I continued to go on and on about HWSNBN I became aware of a heavy silence. I flipped the coffee maker on as I turned over my shoulder to see what on earth could be keeping Jade silent. He was staring at me and he was not smiling. Ut oh.

“Jade? Did you not want coffee? I have tea…like 20 different kinds. Or I could make hot chocolate? It’s the sugar free fat free kind but it’s really pretty good. Water?”

16. I think people who drink tea seem glamorous
17. I’m always buying tea thinking I might become a glamorous person
18. I never drink it
19. I am a hoarder of tea

“Okay what! Why are you staring at me like that?” I demanded as Jade crossed his arms, narrowed his eyes at me and pursed his lips.

“Are you going to talk to me about it?” he asked in a distinctly non-Jade voice.

20. Jade is my favorite drama “queen” unless he tries to make a drama out of me
21. I had a pretty good idea what he was talking about but I played blonde
22. Playing blonde has worked for me in the past but never on Jade

Jade turned away from me and started searching my cupboards. He threw a packet of jasmine tea at me, told me to stay put and took off into the other room.

23. I hate being told to stay put
24. I am incapable of staying put
25. That’s almost as bad as telling me to stay quiet for a whole minute
26. I said almost

I took out 2 coffee mugs, started the teakettle and promptly stomped after Jade to see what he was up to. I found him in my bedroom peering into my closet. He shifted purses around on my top shelf and then began to open my shoe boxes.

27. I don’t like people going through my things
28. I own eleventyseven pairs of shoes
29. They each have their own spot on my shelves in their original boxes
30. I need more shoes

“Jade? What exactly are you looking for? This is not a very subtle way to borrow shoes,” I sulked as he continued rifling through my things. He gave me “the look” rather than answer my question. I hadn’t seen this look in a long time. Not since back in the day when I…

31. I’ve been sober for 5 years now
32. I used to hide bottles of alcohol around my house
33. Jade was known as Jay back then
34. Jay wasn’t nearly as much fun as Jade.

“Hullo? Are you going to tell me why you’re going through my things? JAY?” I plonked down on my bed, grabbed one of the cats and assumed a sulky expression.

35. Never pet a cat when you’re mad
36. Triple antibiotic ointment can help the itching caused by cat scratches
37. Was there ever double antibiotic ointment?
38. “Hello! I’m bleeding here!” is not an effective rummage deterrent.

I began to file my nails as Jade moved on to the drawers where I stash yarn.

39. I started knitting a little over a year ago
40. I’m actually getting to be pretty good
41. I’m 36, still single, have 2 cats and I knit
42. I am a spinster.
43. I have a penchant for buying yarn on sale
44. I’m 36, still single, have 2 cats, knit, and I say “penchant.” That’s hot.
45. Boyfriend. 9 years younger. I’m just saying.

“Hey Jade? Krista doesn’t live here anymore. I’m an empty nester. I wouldn’t need to hide whatever you think I’m hiding.”

46. I miss Krista
47. I don’t miss cleaning up after a teenager
48. I really don’t need this whole house anymore
49. My baby is going to be 19 on March 2nd.
50. Filing your nails while upset isn’t very smart either

“So hey how was Christmas? What did you get from Michael?” By now we had moved to the linen closet and Jade was shifting around towels and cleaners. “Did I mention that HWSNBN gave me a necklace?”

51. It’s absolutely gorgeous. No man has ever bought me diamonds before
52. HWSNBN was shocked that he was the first to ever give me diamonds
53. He took me to meet his family on Christmas day and I loved that

“Oh and did you look at the ornaments on my tree? Mom gave me an ornament that’s a high-heeled shoe. Red!” Jade glared at me and then stomped off to the kitchen to turn off the stove. He handed me a mug of tea and went out to sit by my Christmas tree.

54. I knit a cable afghan for my mom for Christmas
55. Mom and I have a complicated relationship
56. I’m a daddy’s girl
57. My parents are still married. That makes my family odd
58. No matter what I do I worry my mom will still find me lacking
59. I hate having my Christmas tree up past New Year’s Day and had planned on spending the evening taking it down
60. Tension sucks. I don’t like people looking at me funny

“Well isn’t this comfortable? I didn’t know you could stay silent this long.” I hugged my Christmas pillow to me and stared into my tea mug.

61. My xmas pillow says “Dear Santa, I can explain…”
62. I hate that funny feeling you get in your throat when you’re trying not to cry
63. My house is pretty old and it’s never warm enough

I stood up to go put a sweater on and Jade followed me into my room and pushed past me into my closet. He pulled a pair of jeans out and threw them at me.

“Put these on,” he said in his Jay voice.

“No!” I said and stared him down. “I came in here for a sweater. I don’t like these jeans.”

“Those are your favorite jeans Wendy. Those are your skinny jeans. We’ve done rituals that have involved these jeans. They still reek of candles. Put. Them. On.”

I threw the jeans on my bed and stomped out to the other room.

64. Every woman reading this knows what the skinny jeans are.
65. My skinny jeans are a size 2.
66. My skinny jeans do not fit me

Jade/Jay sat next to me on the couch and put his arm around me. “Wen? Sugar what are you doing to yourself?”

I gave him the silent treatment.

67. I have an addictive personality
68. My dad told me I had an addictive personality when I was about 10
69. I used to think that meant people were addicted to what a great personality I have
70. Jade/Jay was wearing black pants and he was covered in cat/dog hair
71. I haven’t vacuumed in 3 days
72. My addictive personality has never applied itself to cleaning. It’s selective that way

Jade/Jay sighed and got up to invade my privacy some more. I felt the first tear fall as he opened up the dining room hutch cupboard and said “bingo.” He set the damning items on the couch next to me. Then he stood me up and put his hands around my waist.

“Ok cupcake what size are the jeans you have on?”

I glared at him before answering. “Jade you are such a hypocrite. Just look at the women in the magazines we pour through. What size do you think THEY are? I look NOTHING like them. I’m sizes away from them.”

“What size?”

“Zero,” I mumbled as I stared at the scale he’d set on the couch.

73. I might have a minor issue with body image
74. I don’t really know why it’s cropping up again because HWSNBN likes me just the way I am
75. I weigh less in the morning than I do in the afternoon or evening
76. I might weigh myself too often
77. My cat Klepto weighs 9.5 lbs whether it’s morning, afternoon or evening

“Sweetheart those jeans are hanging on you. You don’t need this scale. You’re breaking my heart here kid. Are you hiding diet pills again too?”

78. I have had scales confiscated from me before
79. HWSNBN seems to think I look just fine thankyouverymuch
80. I am not nearly as skinny as I used to be and I am still pinchable in a few key areas
81. According to other blogs I have read no one really wants to hear a woman under 110 lbs complain about her pinchables. sorry.
82. This living out loud blog is not really all that funny
83. I do not have a single diet pill hidden in my house. They are in the cupboard next to the tea. Not hidden at all

“Jade? Can we talk about shoes now? My shoe size hasn’t changed.”

Hours later he left with both of my scales, the diet pills *dammit those suckers were 27 bucks* and my food notebook. No, it is NOT weird to keep track of what you eat. That part at least is normal. Half the women at the gym track their food.

84. Pottery barn has a really cool scale on sale this month that also measures body fat.
85. My doctor said it’s ok for me to get down to 102 but not lower.
86. I have 3.5 pounds to go
87. 4 pounds if you weigh me at night. I’m just saying.

So hey. That’s the skinny. Heh. That’s me living out loud. Funny stuff eh? Take that you anonymous blog message person you.

88. I’ve been told that for every comment blog readers leave there are at least as many people who have read your blog but not commented
89. I have a few people I blogstalk but don’t comment to too
90. I still have to come up with 10 things to write
91. Jade called me today to talk about a shoe sale at Macy’s. Jay wasn’t in on the conversation.
92. HWSNBN’s parents gave me a gift card to Macy’s. :)
93. I have no idea what Klepto weighed this morning
94. I get to fly to Ohio next month to see my best friend
95. I spent the weekend with HWSNBN and we ate TONS
96. I ate today too. my friend Eric can vouch for this
97. I always eat like a pig when Eric and I go to lunch. Yay for Chinese food!
98. I really should be more addictive about cleaning
99. My animals follow behind me single file shedding in everyplace I vacuum
100. I think it’s pretty commendable that I made it to 100.

I’m just saying.