I can’t get no….

I can’t get no….

The world is full of good intentions. The amount of love y’all have given me so far this year is just amazing. Truly. You’ve carried me through some rough days, some tough hours and some acutely difficult minutes. You people have kept me from The Meltdown. I mean really. How can you succumb to The Meltdown when you’re too confused to let go?

Yes. Confused. See in the midst of good intentioning and soothation (well it ought to be a word and this is my blog so there you have it. Soothation: The act of soothing) y’all have cancelled each others suggestions out.

Oh I can’t blame you. Not at all. It’s the combination and such. The Breakup automatically calls for shoe shopping and chocolate. That’s a given. But when you connect that to the fact that I am maybe BROKE due to The Unemployment you find yourself in a quandary. So you follow the only advice left to you: Get out of the house and try to have some fun. But then just as you are about to hit the road someone maybe reminds you that bad things come in threes and you find yourself scared to leave the house.

So at this point all that’s left to you really is to get good and drunk and hide under the covers until the year is over. But you can’t even do that because you have been sober for 5 years and well, drinking would be a violation of the whole sobriety thing, you know?

Quandary. Conundrum. Rock and a hard place. Limbo. Y’all know.

So you make a list because it is What You Do when you are stuck. And you take everyone’s suggestions and put them down for careful consideration:

  1. Shop (suggested by men and women)
  2. Get a makeover (suggested by women)
  3. Sex. Lots of sex (do you even have to ask?)
  4. Pamper yourself (suggested by women)
  5. Chocolate (suggested by men and women)

So after much consideration, consultation with The Budget (much crying) and time spent peering out the window (where bad thing #3 may be lurking) I gave up and decided to surf the internet.

I typed in “How to get over a breakup.” As the page loaded I stomped into the kitchen to make some hot chocolate. This allowed me to cross off list item number 5.  And then it happened. There was more than just water steaming up in my house. People I kid you not. My computer had “a moment.” Orgasmic gasping. Moaning. Even a bit of a scream!

I ran back from the kitchen and there it was. THE ANSWER. That’s right! Right there on my computer! An opportunity to cross off all the other items on the list. In one fell swoop. And it was within The Budget. With just this ONE affordable product I would be pampered. Made over. Transformed. And oh so satisfied! So I risked bad thing #3 and dashed to the store.



Can you say false advertising? Do I look satisfied to you? My outfit did not magically transform itself from drab suit to sexy lingerie. My hair did not grow into gorgeous tresses full of body and bounce. My sensible shoes did not become strappy seductive heels. And damnit, where was my totally organic *snicker* experience?

So I guess its back to the making of The List. Can I at least count this as bad thing #3?


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