I had been putting this off for quite some time. I knew there would be a price to pay. In fact knowing this had only made me put it off longer. But inevitably, these difficult situations catch up to us…growing day by day…until they grow completely out of control. It could be put off no longer.
It was time for a bikini wax.
I tried to calm myself while I waited for my name to be called. I’m a strong woman. I’ve endured childbirth for god’s sake. How bad could this be? Deep breaths. Calming sips of herbal tea. I leaned back to take in the soft new age music and rest my eyes for a bit. It was starting to work until a loud slam from the next room made me sit up in fear.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT YOU LAZY #*&@#” an angry voice screamed from behind the Employees Only door. Seconds later I heard a phone slam down. “Jenny, get him back on the phone for me. I want to hang up on him again.”
Deciding that perhaps I could put this off for just one more week, I quickly stood, gathered my purse and keys and quietly headed past the employee door to reach the exit. Just then the door opened.
“Well well well. Look who we have here. If it isn’t Miss Wendy herself. Going somewhere are we?”
“Umm. No?” I asked while avoiding direct eye contact.
“You’re damned right you aren’t. You OWE me an explanation and don’t you dare mess with me today. I’ll have the truth out of you. Room 4 you traitor. Strip down.”
Ok so this wasn’t getting off to a good start. I found room 4, removed what was necessary and awaited my fate. I passed the time by reworking my budget in my head to try to figure out whether or not I could afford electrolysis instead. I heard the door open behind me and my heart started to pound.
“You know what? Forget it. I don’t even want to know where you’ve been. No. Not me. I am above that. What’s it to me if you’ve been seeing another man? I’m telling you sugar I have plenty of women who were happy to take your spot. PLENTY. So you just lay there with your mouth shut and your legs open and let me get in there to do my job. KAY?”
“Yeah. Umm, Jade? I haven’t been cheating on you. Really!” I pleaded as he set his things in order.” I sat up and gave him my sweetest smile. “And might I add, you look fantastic. I love your hair like that. Are those new earrings? How are things with Mike?” The words were no sooner out of my mouth when I realized I was in trouble again. Jade’s eyes narrowed dangerously and his lips took on a pursed expression which has always been a precursor to his temper tantrums.
Laying back down I resolved to grit my teeth and bear the pain without a single sound.
“HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD!” screamed Jade in horror. The fact that he was looking at the area he was about to wax while he ranted gave me cause for great shame. “What have you done? Did you…no. Did you shave this sacred area?”
Well it was true. In an effort to cut down on costs I had stopped seeing Jade and begun to go the route of the razor. I figured no one else was seeing it, why spend more? I had thought enough time had passed since shaving that he wouldn’t be able to tell. Apparently not.
I was about to answer when the first strip came off.
Riiiippppppppppppppppppppppp! “HOLY @(#*&@#! What was that?!? Where’s my numbing cream? Jade? Owwwwwwwww!” I screamed.
“Well maybe you should have thought about that before you ruined my work” he whined as he applied the next strip.
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiippppppppppppppppppppp! “Oh my god! Jade! Take it easy! If I wanted to lose skin I would have shaved again! You’re going to make me look terrible!”
“Oh for the love of Cher. Quit your whining. Whoever has been seeing you like this obviously doesn’t care. I mean really, what type of man are you with? My Mike would never put up with such a lack of attention to detail…
…although between you and me he wouldn’t put up with you anyways. You’re the wrong sex. Speaking of sex, how is Mr. whoever?”
Rippppppppppppppppppppppppppppp! “Oh you know. I’ve been pretty busy lately. Who has time for that?”
“Oh you poor child!” gasped Jade while quickly setting aside his waxing stick and taking my hand. “Sweetie? Is that why you haven’t been to see me? There hasn’t been anyone? Well now you just let Miss Jade take care of you. Where did I put that numbing cream?”
A short *considerably less painful* time later Jade set his things aside and happily proclaimed “Ta daaaaa. Beautiful. Well for a woman anyways. It’s not your fault you missed out on the good stuff that men have. Here. Take a look. I don’t havetime to give you a Brazilian so instead of a bare floor you have a small area rug. Now I expect to hear how this goes over for you. Don’t you dare let my artwork go unseen. You don’t want to make me mad again. Now hug me darling and get the hell out of here. I need to call Michael. Off with you darling and for god’s sake think SEX!”
“Well actually Jade, I’m not seeing…him anytime soon.” Good subject change I thought to myself. He doesn’t need to know that I’m still single and this is merely for the purpose of being able to wear a swim suit. I air kissed him on both cheeks and made my escape.
And so it is that I am presentable yet again…for absolutely no purpose. But Jade doesn’t need to know that. ;)