Jaded

Jaded

5:00 am

I rolled over and smacked the snooze button on my alarm clock. Again. Clearly I was not going to make it to the 5:30 spinning class at the gym. Resolving to do aerobics in my home gym instead I buried back under the covers.

Woof.*pant pant pant* wuff? WOOF.

I peered out at the fuzzy face on the side of the bed. “Kali. Pretend you’re a cat and go hit the litter box instead.”

ROWF!

“Well you don’t have to cuss.” I threw back the covers and let kibble breath out back to do her thing. I started the coffee maker while mentally kicking myself for staying up so late the night before. Shawn had come over and we’d rented a movie. It was somewhere around midnight by the time I got to bed. I won’t go into how long it took me to stop my brain from torturing me enough to let me sleep.

I poured a cup of coffee, let Kali back in and glared at her as she promptly padded into my room, jumped up to my side of the bed and instantly descended into a snoring snooze. Figures.

I stumbled through 45 minutes of aerobics, 20 minutes of weights and hit the shower. The good news is that my brain still wasn’t awake enough to really complain about the workout. Halfway through the razor routine I remembered what day it was. Oh God. Waxing day. Well at least I didn’t have to worry about cutting myself with the razor there.

The morning calls were well underway when a number I didn’t recognize rang in.

“This is Wendy.”

“Hello darling! I just looked at my schedule and saw that I get to wax my favorite shoe shopping accomplice over the lunch hour. I simply can’t wait that long to catch up on the gossip. Come see me at 10 instead.”

“Hi Jade. Michael wants to take you to lunch during my appointment doesn’t he.”

“Are you sure you’re a natural blonde? You’re way too smart cupcake. Oh wait…you are a natural blonde. I should know, hmmm? If you come at 10 instead I’ll show you the latest Dolce and Gabbana layout that features some really sexy slingbacks.”

“Using shoes to bribe me only works if I actually get to try them on.”

“Don’t be bitchy. I’m much better at it. I win. See you at 10.” Click.

*Sigh* Not letting him get his way would only mean pain for me. Unfortunately, I also had an important phone call scheduled at that time and I really needed to close the deal. I’d make it work somehow. So much for making it to the dry cleaners before dressing for the day. I’d have to find something else to wear.

Have you ever seen the phenomenon where a teenager opens the refrigerator and just stands there staring, hoping that something amazing will materialize if they just stand there long enough? Well that’s me looking into my closet.

I stared into my closet in the hopes that something gorgeous and sexy (Ok fine. Something that would make ME look gorgeous and sexy) would jump out. I had appointments all afternoon and wouldn’t be able to stop home to change before going out at night. I was seeing Shawn again and I wanted to look good. (If you read my blog “he’s just not that into you” you’d understand that this is pointless but if I’m going to continue to be rejected I want to at least look good while it’s happening.)

My daughter came in to commiserate, and after reviewing the pathetic offering she came to the conclusion that I am lucky that he spends time with me at all considering the clothes I’ve been wearing.

I settled on the black pants, black silk tank top and sheer bronze blouse. The silver, gold and bronze kitten heels added just the right finish to what was unfortunately still a boring outfit. Jade would have a field day with this. Krista just sort of gazed sadly at my selection as I said my goodbyes, added a quick chore as punishment for her look, grabbed my briefcase and tripped out the door.

I called my client’s secretary and rescheduled our call for 10:30. I decided that if this deal didn’t close I’d sic Jade on him.

As usual Jade was running late. By the time he was ready to start it was 10:25.

“Look, if this guy calls you’ll just have to wait for a moment. Your schedule has already thrown my entire morning off.”

Rrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiippppppppppppppppppppppp! *squinting and quick intake of breath*

“Oh really? Is that why you dressed in the dark?”

“Are we doing this? Are we having this conversation? The outfit may be lacking, but have you not noticed the shoes? They’re right over…hey where did my shoes go? JADE? Dammit! Take them off! You’re going to stretch them out!”

Rrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiipppppppppppppp! *$#!+*

“I like them. They give me just the right height. A rather inferior designer name if you ask me but they’re kittens so I’ll purr anyways,” he said while applying the next strip.

The phone rang and I gave Jade a stern look. “Remove my shoes while I take this call.”

“Hello, Bruce? Can you believe this pricing we were able to put in place for you? We’re talking about a 2002 tariff! You know you aren’t going to be able to beat that. I think that we should all sit down and…

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiipppppppppp!

…Ummm. Bruce?Sugar can I put you on hold for a sec?”

I hit mute, covered the mouthpiece just in case, screamed “FUCK!” and went back to my call. I finished up as Jade pranced in front of the mirror with a smug look, my heels AND my Prada purse.

“Well,” I said as I set my phone down, “That was incredibly mean, not in the least bit funny and you will not be receiving a tip.”

“You know that frowning like that just makes you look older, don’t you? I just met with Dr. Dave yesterday and I’ll bet I can get him to botox you before the office opens tomorrow.”

“Jade…”

“Really, let him get at those stress lines and you could look as young as 40.”

“I’m only 36!”

“Right. Try not to age any further while I schedule it. I’ll accept the referral bonus as your tip. You know you need this. I saw that you pulled your profile from personals. Too stuck on Shawn to keep trying, hmmm? If you’re going to continue to be an idiot and fall for men who are completely unavailable at least make sure that your looks aren’t the issue.”

“Jade…”

“Botox the eyes, lose the outfit, show up wearing only the heels and this lovely wax job. Include the purse and even a gay man will want you cupcake.”

“Jade…”

“Well aren’t I right? Did you not pull your profile? Are you not stuck on this man who doesn’t love you? Are you not wearing a boring outfit?”

“Yes. OK? YES! YES YES YES YES. And why the hell would you have looked to see if I was still on personals?!”

“Volume darling! If Michael shows up and hears you shouting like that he’ll think I’ve gone straight! Now get out of here and have that lovely face of yours at Dr. Dave’s tomorrow morning at 7:30. Your boy might not see the wax job but he’ll appreciate your lack of ability to frown.”

At least I closed the deal with Bruce. Is it the weekend yet??

*p.s. Botox hurts like hell*

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