You’ve heard me whine about Mondays. And really, who doesn’t? I’m just saying. I mean don’t go labeling me as some whiney complainer or something. Because you do not want to incur my wrath. I am a dangerous woman. You have been warned.
So! Now that we’ve settled that (and established that Mondays are whine-able) I thought I’d whine about my Friday! Because if you ask me it was really a MONDAY and just cleverly disguised as a Friday. So that makes it allowed. And I should have just stayed in bed because it was OUT TO GET ME from start to finish. And with a day like that one must find a coping mechanism. Even if it involves violence.
4:30 am: *smack* *smack* Mmmmrowr? *smack*
“Remy! Paws to yourself! It’s not time to wake up yet.”
4:33 am: *smack* Mmmmrowr! WOOF *smack* *pant pant pant* Mew?
My cat is a fabulous recruiter. In no less than 3 minutes she managed to get the dog and the other cat in on Operation: Wake Up Mom. So I gave in and figured I’d have some extra coffee time before hitting the weights. Only… I was out of coffee. And for the sake of expediency let’s just list the early A.M. calamities, ok?
- 30 minute early wake up call
- Out of coffee
- Shoelace comes undone while on the treadmill. I trip, fly off the back, land on the cat’s tail and get well and truly clawed by Remy along my calf for such behavior.
- Lying on the floor doing chest presses…Klepto decides she should sit directly on my chest. And she just glared at me. Like a personal trainer with cat food breath, “What are ya, a mouse? C’mon lady….you can do another.”
- While doing push ups… I look up and all 3 of the critters are lined up and staring at me. I informed them they could stare all they wanted but there would be no breakfast until my workout was done. I kid you not, they exchanged glances with each other like “Did you hear that? Did you hear what she said?” I fell into a fit of giggles and couldn’t finish my reps.
- For some odd reason (lack of coffee?) I managed to shave everywhere except for my left armpit.
- Had to stomp around the backyard with the dog as she did her thang because it’s baby bunny, baby duck and turtle season at my house. She’s already managed to injure 1 of each and I will not have it! I didn’t realize the neighbor dude would be awake and outside so early, and there I was all “crazy neighbor lady” like in my bathrobe and high heels standing on top of my picnic table for potty patrol.
- One of our consultants called to talk while I was drying my hair. By the time I got her off the phone I was running late AND my hair was all funky.
- Stubbed my baby toe on the corner of the bed frame, and then while hopping up and down saying “ow ow ow ow” I landed on the side of the scale and twisted my ankle.
- Stomped on top of the scale (that’ll teach it) and saw that despite the additional workouts and lack of chocolate I am still 109 lbs.
So then I sat on the side of the bed and felt sorry for myself for a minute. But then I figured the day could ONLY GET BETTER so I did the whole dress for work bit. And if you are female you will understand that on difficult days it can help to wear something that makes you feel good about yourself. Even if no one else knows. And I was feeling under attack, so naturally I put on my army panties. I mean wouldn’t you?
And as you can see there are 3 bronze bullets on the side that rest directly on top of one’s hip bone. Armed. Dangerous. Ready for the day. *salute*
So I made it out the door and stopped in at Walgreen’s to pick up a bottle of the FINALLY available Alli diet pill. They keep them locked and the cashier lady would not sell them to me!!! She was all “Those are for fat people.” I was all “May I see the manager please?” She was all “We were warned skinny chicks like you would want these.” I was all “Thank you for your concern. Manager?” She was all SELLING THE LAST DAMNED BOTTLE TO ANOTHER “CHICK” and then sweetly asking if I’d still want to see the manager. Well now that was just wrong. And as I put my hands on my hips I felt the bullets. So I ever so slightly thrust my hip forward and quietly thought “kaPOW! Bambambambam!” (Ok no comments on the 4 th bam. Yes, there are only 3 bullets. But these are magic panties and they recharge. OK?)
40 minutes later I pulled into my parking garage. This is one of those garages that sells 50 spots when there is really only room for 30 cars. As such, we have a valet guy that parks the cars and then scoots them around during the day when someone needs to get out. I tend to be the last car to leave the lot because I apparently work later than anyone else who parks there. So the car dude usually just directs me to where he wants me and I park it myself. Well. On this particular day he decided I should park in the impossible spot. I was all “Umm no…my car will never fit there.” He was all “Sure it will. You’re fine, keep going.” And then my car was all “Crunch.”
SOB! Crycrycry. My car! I just paid her off last Friday and now she’s RUINED. Ruined I say!
Car dude was all, “Damn. That sucks. Guess your car was too small for that spot. But hey, if you give me 20 bucks I’ll clean it and wax it and see if the drywall stuff just comes off.” THRUST! KaPOW! BAMBAMBAMBAM.
As you can see, it didn’t.
I finally grabbed coffee mid morning and spilled ½ of it getting into the elevator. I hip checked the elevator wall and screamed KAPOW! Kablam! (Y’all know it’s bad when I’m shooting up inanimate objects.) (Also, hip bones are very tender and now mine is bruised.)
Oh I could go on. No really. The ENTIRE day was out to get me. And much shooting commenced.
But finally the work day was done and it was time for a night on the town with the girls. Only we decided a night on the lake might be better. So there we were. 5 women of the world. Skirts, heels, tank tops. Sunning ourselves over dinner on the deck. Looking out over Lake Minnetonka. Surrounded by a happy-the-week-is-over crowd. And then, after a solid week of 90’s and sunshine (while stuck in the office) the heavens decide to unleash their fury and suddenly it’s a wet t-shirt contest. And men who had contained themselves to polite smiles earlier were suddenly AT OUR TABLE and NOT looking us in the eyes if you know what I mean. And I think you do. And HELLO! You are not HWSNBN! Thou shalt not look! And while my tablemates thought this was a rather fabulous development and decided to stay, I did not. My level of discomfort grew and grew while we waited for the check (my tank top was white and after the downpour it was COLD and well, that’s not good, you know?) So my hip was all jutting out and my brain was kaPoWiNg and then Karyn started to dance (which meant I could join in and really throw the hips into it) and I pictured people just dropping and that’s ever so wrong so I left.
Are y’all SCARED of me now? Hee!
And I comforted myself as I fell asleep with thoughts of my upcoming vacation. HWSNBN is taking me to Boston over the 4 th of July week. I have never been there and I could just cry with excitement! He’ll take me to see Harvard, and all the city sites, and a ton of historical buildings, we’ll walk the Freedom Trail, and we’re even taking a ferry to Cape Cod to lie on the beach for a day! Yay! And my last thought as I drifted off to sleep was that I’d best not wear these panties (purchased for me by HWSNBN by the way) to the airport…
Security dude: “Ma’am? Do you have any metal about your person?”
Me: “Oh that? Oh not to worry sugar.Those are just my bullets.”