So you may have heard that it’s Valentines Day. And while it may be a holiday driven by commercialized guilt, I still wanted to do something special, you know? But things don’t always come together quite as planned for me. You may have caught on to that. So without further adieu, I give to you: The top 10 things that have gone wrong today.
1. Pinterest tells you that you can have soft, sexy feet if you just soak them in listerine, warm water and vinegar. My result? My feet are now stained blue.
2. Online forums say that if you drench your locks in coconut oil you will have gorgeous, healthy and tangle free hair. My result? Sticky strands of limp tresses and an appearance of having not washed my hair in a week.
3. Greet him in lingerie without a full wax job? Certainly not! But it certainly wasn’t my intention to greet him in lingerie with a bunch of missing skin.
4. With just 6 simple steps you can have sultry smokey eyes that will leave him stunned. Or you could stun him by looking like a raccoon.
5. Greasy hair? (see # 2 above) Simply pile your locks high on your head with a mere handful of bobbypins. Or you could look like Marge Simpson, which incidentally, goes very well with the blue feet.
6. There’s an online video that goes into some detail as to how you can talk dirty to your man to turn up the heat. But every time I practice the (in)appropriate sentences I collapse into a fit of giggles that I assure you is not remotely sexy.
7. Let’s just say that I must not have gotten all of the wax off. This lingerie may never come off.
8. Just because the pan you use to bake the cake is heart shaped doesn’t mean that the result will be.
9. The scarf I meant to have finished knitting by today will instead be presented as a very colorful but also super warm shoestring.
10. Happy Valentine’s Day Shawn! Takeout and House of Cards while wearing super sexy sweatpants and socks it is!