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An exchange earlier today with a young male employee at Safeway who I am quite convinced has taken full advantage or our new marijuana laws:

Me: Excuse me, can you tell me where to find thyme?
Young dude: Ohhhhhh yeah it’s uhhhhhh, WOW it’s already noon.
Me: No. Thyme. For cooking.
Young dude: Oh man, right? There’s just never enough. But hey we have frozen entrees and stuff. They’re alright.

I waited a good 15 seconds for a hidden cameraman to appear and then I took off down the aisle.

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A dear friend had a post this morning about confession being good for the soul. Well okay.

1. I roll my eyes when people post what color their aura is or what kind of car they are- but then by the end of the day I take the quiz too. How can I go on if I don’t know what kind of car I am?

2. I just had a Super Important and Ever So Professional conference call this morning while sitting on my couch in my jammies.

3. All 5 of our pets have their own unique voices – performed by me. This may explain why I didn’t marry until my 40s…

4. People think I’m some sort of super active exercise freak, but the truth is that I only teach because it means I HAVE to go to the gym. The 200 mile bike ride I’m committed to going on? That’s still an accident.

5. Some folks are freaked out about the Mountain Lions seen across town these last few weeks but I’ve already named them.

6. I despise Candy Crush. I’m gonna prove it by destroying this next level.

7. I praise my husband if he unloads the dishwasher, but then I am compelled to open every cupboard and make sure everything is Where It Belongs.

8. In my super secret imaginary life I have eleventy-seven pets and I make my living as a writer. Oh, and cupcakes lead to weight loss.

9. It’s common knowledge that I can’t keep plants alive, but I once killed a fake fern by catching it in the vacuum. That’s talent.

10. They say the best defense against naughty food is to get it out of the house. I typically accomplish this by eating it all at once.

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The difference between a negative person and a positive person:

A negative person would say, “Wendy, you should NOT eat a brownie for breakfast.”

A positive person would say, “Wendy, you are brilliant! Now you have the entire day to work that brownie off!”

I love positive people :)

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1. What is this kitchen room used for again?

2. Remember the weight I lost before we left? Don’t panic! I found it in Hawaii.

3. Homeland security managed to miss the little gecko hiding in our suitcase. Home security (AKA the cats) located it right away. RIP lil guy.

4. “Look at me, I’m covered in sand!” has now been replaced with, “Look at me, I’m covered in dog hair!”

5. Regarding #4 above: this was said to my animals. My husband has abandoned me for the office.

6. Who are all these people emailing me and wanting me to do work stuff?

7. Tuesday mornings on vacation: coffee while admiring the ocean. Tuesday mornings at home: coffee followed by a 20 minute mission to pry up all of the frozen poop from the dog run. It’s a glamorous life folks.

8. My most difficult decision the last couple weeks was choosing which of my 3 bikinis to wear for the day. Now I have to pick out entire outfits. And match and such.

9. Turns out this house does NOT have room service. I dialed 8 and nothing happened.

10. Whales and sea turtles have been replaced with dogs and cats. And as it happens, I’m perfectly fine with that. It was an amazing trip, but I’m happy to be home  :)

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While frolicking in the Hawaiian sun, one is advised to be sure to wear sunscreen. A waterproof 35 is an impenetrable force. Be further advised, however, that there is a big difference between a 35 and a 30. I have done this research for you. You’re welcome. And when every move causes one to squeak in pain, it can become necessary to look on the bright side of life. 

1. There is no longer any concern that a flash of my ever so white skin will cause ships to come into shore at the wrong place.

2. I can now walk naked down the streets! People will just think I have a bright white bikini on.

3. There is zero chance we’ll be on a beach today. Wendy = 1! Sharks = 0!

4. Freckles. I look forward to a rigorous game of connect the dots with the husband once I allow him to come within 10 feet of me again.

5. I still have enough vacation time to recover, peel and burn again!

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I received a text from a friend yesterday that makes it ever so clear you have been misdirected in your thinking. The text: “Relax, Wen! Nothing in the ocean wants to eat a skinny girl!” 

Uh huh. Let us examine history, shall we?

20 or so odd years ago I went to Cancun with Jennifer W. In an effort to rid myself of my shark fears, I went into a “protected” area with a shark dude and a nurse shark. Nurse sharks have no teeth. Plus they’re nurses. What could go wrong? Just as the photo of me holding the shark was being snapped, the shark freaked the heck out, swam off, did that horrifying circle thing, and then RAMMED ME. I was bruised from my knee to my hip for the rest of that rum soaked trip.

7 years ago (and no longer rum soaked because of that whole sobriety thing that gets in the way of such things), I went to Cape Cod with Shawn. After a solid hour of him convincing me I would be fine, I stomped on into the ocean. Where I was promptly stung by a jellyfish.

And so it is that we have come to today. And for my last act of fun I shall hike to a waterfall, reflect upon the beauty of Hawaii, tell my husband that I love him and then hike down to my doom. But not before being all badass and eating a dessert. Because I have promised my husband to snorkel this afternoon. And I may be skinny, but trust me, the ocean thinks I’m a delectable little morsel. I have loved you all.

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1. Hawaiian birds are very happy little creatures. Like 5:00 am happy.

2. 6:00 am coughing fits do not wake up Shawns. “Accidentally” dropping things (like the remote, your sunglasses, a book) doesn’t work either. 

3. The greatest of hair straightening efforts can be undone in .5 seconds. 

4. Slamming a coconut onto the patio to get it to open may cause the coconut to bounce. And hit your knee. And maybe howl a bit. Which does indeed wake up a Shawn.

5. A 43 year old woman can easily transform into a bouncy little girl at the thought of playing at the beach. Have a good day my friends 

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So you may have heard that it’s Valentines Day. And while it may be a holiday driven by commercialized guilt, I still wanted to do something special, you know? But things don’t always come together quite as planned for me. You may have caught on to that. So without further adieu, I give to you: The top 10 things that have gone wrong today.

1. Pinterest tells you that you can have soft, sexy feet if you just soak them in listerine, warm water and vinegar. My result? My feet are now stained blue.

2. Online forums say that if you drench your locks in coconut oil you will have gorgeous, healthy and tangle free hair. My result? Sticky strands of limp tresses and an appearance of having not washed my hair in a week.

3. Greet him in lingerie without a full wax job? Certainly not! But it certainly wasn’t my intention to greet him in lingerie with a bunch of missing skin.

4. With just 6 simple steps you can have sultry smokey eyes that will leave him stunned. Or you could stun him by looking like a raccoon.

5. Greasy hair? (see # 2 above) Simply pile your locks high on your head with a mere handful of bobbypins. Or you could look like Marge Simpson, which incidentally, goes very well with the blue feet.

6. There’s an online video that goes into some detail as to how you can talk dirty to your man to turn up the heat. But every time I practice the (in)appropriate sentences I collapse into a fit of giggles that I assure you is not remotely sexy.

7. Let’s just say that I must not have gotten all of the wax off. This lingerie may never come off.

8. Just because the pan you use to bake the cake is heart shaped doesn’t mean that the result will be.

9. The scarf I meant to have finished knitting by today will instead be presented as a very colorful but also super warm shoestring.

10. Happy Valentine’s Day Shawn! Takeout and House of Cards while wearing super sexy sweatpants and socks it is!

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Step 1. Denial 
Step 2. Stand at various points of the house without moving
Step 3. Finally find the fire alarm that’s beeping
Step 4. Realize you found the wrong one
Step 5. Find the right one 40 minutes later
Step 6. Destroy wall trying to remove it
Step 7. Threaten and cuss at inanimate beeping object
Step 8. Google how to open the battery case
Step 9. Whip device across the garage floor (hey, an online review said it worked)
Step 10. Replace batteries and attempt to put it back on wall
Step 11. Decide it would look perfectly lovely on the table instead
Step 12. Sob in defeat as it begins to beep again