1. Learn to say “no!” when people ask me to sign up for a 200 mile bike ride.
2. Teach my hips to lie.
3. Figure out the timer on my oven rather than relying on the smoke detector.
4. Convince my husband that 5 animals are NOT enough.
5. Get back to my original birth weight.
6. Watch more cat videos.
7. Oh no. You don’t get to know this one
8. Buy an island. Name it Nomanisan.
9. Implement next phase of operation, “Move Minnesota to Colorado.”
10. Help people find the funny in life.
Thank you all for making 2013 a beautiful experience. I wish you laughter and love for 2014!
Gina: Where are the funny emails? You’ve gone silent on me.
Me: It’s day three of the Paleo diet. Funny didn’t exist in the Paleolithic era. All I can send you is a series of grunts and sobbing sounds.
Gina: Meet me for coffee?
Me: Fine. Just don’t wear anything that makes you look like a potato.
Per my phone call with Gina earlier:
Gina: So anyways, what do you want from Shawn for Christmas?
Me: Well don’t get too excited, but the truth is that I really want him to get me chains.
Gina: Are you serious?!
Me: Yep. But only if he’ll put them on. If I had to do it it wouldn’t be nearly as much fun.
Gina: Geez Wendy, I didn’t think you were like that!
Me: *long pause* Why do I get the feeling we’re each having a different conversation here? OMG, Gina? I’m talking about my tires! TIRE CHAINS. For the love of God, put down the 50 Shades of Grey!
After weeks of scrambling to get the website designed, the paperwork filed and the press releases released to thousands of contacts, one would expect the first official day of work to be ever so busy and chaotic. One would be correct. This is just a brief look into what I’ve had to endure today…
1. Adjust height and tilt on new office chair. Commence spinning to ensure chair is accurately balanced.
2. Conduct meticulous search for proper Board of Directors. Appoint nearest canines, and arrange for an elaborate ceremony. Speak all parts for all parties involved.
3. Rearrange pens by size and color. Move every office supply to a different drawer. Test self out loud on where everything is located.
4. Admire website, and then double check that the cell phone is still on. Surely the calls should be rolling in by now.
5. Briefly toy with the idea of a company theme song. One that could double as a musical score for a scene where Johnny Depp is cruising down the road on his motorcycle.
6. Portion out the correct number of Reduced Fat Wheat Thins for a healthy afternoon snack (16 for those of you dying to know). Redefine “afternoon” as 8:30 in the morning.
7. Click over to monitor website traffic while humming the James Bond theme song. Immediately forget the tune to the theme song being created earlier.
8. Accept a call from a vendor. Act terribly busy and annoyed at the interruption. Say, “Yep!” and “You Betcha!” repeatedly as they go through their spiel. Schedule a call for later in the week.
9. Practice own sales pitch in front of your new board members. Reward their reactions with Beggin Strips or peanut crunchies.
10. Draft Small Business of America award acceptance speech for the eventual nomination and win.
1. I don’t think those are supposed to look like that.
2. Whomever said, “It’s a fool proof recipe!” hasn’t met me.
3. What exactly is wrong with lumps?
4. Mashed potato recipes should come with a warning, “Do not do an arm workout prior to making these.”
5. It’s a Turkey. Shouldn’t the cats be interested? Or at least in the kitchen every so often?
6. I sure hope people eat before they come over.
7. Are cornmeal and cornstarch the same thing? No?
8. Pizza for everyone!
9. Well now I know why people pray before sitting down to eat.
10. Betcha we get invited to someone else’s place and that when they invite us they say, “Nonsense! I don’t need you to make a thing!”
HAPPY THANKSGIVING MY FABULOUS FRIENDS!
1. Iowa welcomes you with the slogan, “Fields of Opportunities!” This is trickery. I assure you that I only saw corn.
2. Truckers can ALWAYS make you feel pretty.
3. Rest stops would be much more restful if I wasn’t convinced that every single one has a serial killer lurking about.
4. The Git-N-Split in Nebraska declares that they, “Proudly brew Folgers!” Clearly their owner doesn’t drink coffee.
5. If you are of the canine persuasion, it is imperative that you reserve barking for when your person gets on the phone or attempts to order at the drive thru.
6. Road trip day 1 = oatmeal, protein bars, water, carrots. Road trip day 2 = McDonalds, Pringles, Red Bull, Cheezits, KitKats…
7. I simply adore eavesdropping on elderly men at small town gas stations where they tend to gather for coffee. “Why, I told her to punch it, and durned if Delores didn’t speed all the way up to 65.”
8. The account rep for the orange cone company must have been able to retire after selling to Nebraska.
9. Gas prices are ever so reasonable…until you have to stop for gas.
10. Small town in need of a hook? Just come up with a sign about John Wayne. Birthplace of… Childhood home of… One time rest stop of… I do believe I’ve passed them all.
2 weeks ago: We are SO well prepared buying this 150 piece bag of Halloween candy.
1 week ago: Damn I’m good. Such willpower.
Just now: It’s not like we’ll actually have 150 kids at the door…
After spending our entire Friday night cleaning the house…
Me: Does this mean the honeymoon is over?
Shawn: No, but the party definitely is.
Me: Our life was a party?
Shawn: Not anymore.
1. Oh sure, that bright blue sky looks peaceful now, but I sense a wicked electrical storm behind that lil white puff of a cloud over there.
2. Honey you don’t look so good. Have you ever had measles?
3. OH EM GEE. I think I left the light on in the bathroom. Turn around.
4. I didn’t tell the dog sitter that she couldn’t eat all of your candy.
5. Just because I already have an urn doesn’t mean I’m ready to die. I still haven’t listed out the musical selections for my final party. And the cupcakes! OMG I didn’t select the frosting!
6. I sense that I’ve just landed an enormous contract for work. If we don’t head home now I will surely lose it to whichever competitor you hate most right now.
7. You do realize this will mean you have to go to the ballet, yes?
8. Did you know they don’t sell Mountain Dew on this side of the state?
9. *half lidded eyes* Hey baby. You know what might be a ride you’ll enjoy more?
10. Tears. Lots and lots of tears.
1. I balanced my checkbook this morning, and I will have you know that it was NOT any easier.
2. For some reason, people have not started taking me more seriously.
3. You realize how much you shed when your hair is no longer blonde.
4. It is endlessly entertaining to squeal, “Omigosh, you noticed! I’m wearing a new shade of lipstick!” when people say, “Hey, you look different!”
5. It has come to my attention that I will need quite a few new pairs of shoes…to match my new hair.
6. Our dogs and cats still recognize me.
7. My husband still recognizes me too. Either that, or he is playing along quite well.
8. I on the other hand, am still a bit surprised each morning when I look in the mirror.
9. Sadly, I still burn in the sun.
10. You will be shocked to learn that I am in fact having just as much fun